Exhaustion fantasies ...

He softly runs his fingers down my back. My skins quivers to his touch. As he lays his cheek closer to mine he gently pulls my hair aside as not to wake me. I can smell his scent, my heart quickens it's beats ... He continues to embrace my skin with his lips as he moves from my face to my shoulders and to my back as his digits fondle their way down my spine. His touch enchants and excites me.Where am I, and who is this? The man I loved is no longer with me. But it feels like his touch ... I am trying to wake up, but i can't. My eye lids feel heavy and I keep straining to open, but they will not. What is happening I am asleep, or am I ... My son; where is my son? How did I get here and why can't I wake up. Oh Lord, this should not be happening, but it feels so enticing. I am a horrible Mother to be with this man instead of at the hospital. My son is fighting for his life and I am here with this man and under his spell. I have no stress and I can sense a feeling of excitement and tenderness. I want to see him, but I can't wake up. I want to touch him and feel his lips on mine. How can I think this way, I don't even know who he is. His lips caress my shoulder again and slowly travel to my neck. The excitement has made it's way to my stomach. I have to wake up! How can I feel so wonderful when I am being invaded by a stranger. What is wrong with me ... I roll over to meet his lips they meet and are moist and warm to the touch. I can't breath he has taken my breathe away. I gasp for air ... I am getting scared now for I am enjoying this encounter with a stranger. I am in an amazing place and I feel no pain,  fear or sadness. His arms encompass me; I am at peace ...

Subliminal thoughts ...

Why am I thinking of ways to pass my time as my son struggles to live..Does that make me a bad Mom? I have forgotten what it's like to make my hair appointment, get my nails done or a massage ... All of the sudden those impending needs are no longer important. My head hurts from not enough sleep or not being able to completely let go and have a restful night. The sounds of all the machines and my sons breathing take the place of a melodic tune in the background of my mind. The rain streams against the window being pushed by the wind. I am feeling calm as I begin to drift into a heavy, but sudden sleep...Boom! My heart skips a beat as branches from the trees outside his window are blown against the glass.. leaving a creepy eerie feeling ... Has the Angel of Death arrived, oh Lord please no ...I raise my head and look at my son; I am reminded he is a young man and not the beautiful baby of my womb. But it is his time to live and not suffer. Silent killers arrive and strike like a knife ... No warning and no promise of departure ... I am so tired and my mind begins to shut down .. I want to stay awake as my body becomes lax and slips into the night ...

Soulful Storms ...

There is something tranquil an insightful about storms. The rain drops being pushed onto the window panes of glass, with a whimsical tone. I close my eyes and begin to recall all the things and people whom have come my way during this time of time of trials and retributions. Life is a curious venue that takes us on many journeys in life. I long for human touch and a warm hug from caring arms. I have given up my real life in exchange for being here as my son fights for his only life. I have become a creature of social media to entertain myself and keep my mind from going crazy.

I had just finished researching Internet dating, and boy that can give you nightmares..haha..But I soon found myself perusing the net. I learned how to prolong aging, and did you know a woman still climaxes after 60?  Wow, now I look forward to that ... lol ... I have hope! I read everything everyone posted on Facebook, Twitter and dating sites. I watched CNN and Fox News ... gee I learned much more about Politics. But once I had spent hours of absorbing so much intellectual information I became bored. Until one night I was on a dating site and my page "pinged". Someone was trying to get my attention. So of course I had to check it out ... OMG! He was gorgeous and from Paris as in France...Oh Ms. Libido calm down it is the internet remember. So ... 

Craaaackkk! Lightning hit and I was jolted awake..the windows rattled and my heart was racing and skipping beats before I could bring myself into reality. I turned to my son as he lay sleeping. Tubes coming from most of his orifice's as he gasped for every breath ..His struggle has lasted so long and has created so much deterioration to his young body. I turn back to the large window in his private room. His immune system is so frail that any tiny germ could take his life. During this journey life has changed so much. 

I have abandoned my own life and yet it was a very normal thing to do, after all he was my son. Many people came and went as we fought to overtake this bacteria. It became my life. I wasn't able to work anymore on my own career and life. I gave up dating and going out with my friends. I refused all social invitations. The wondrous foods and exercise in my life went by the wayside as I became a connoisseur of the Metal Chef of quickie snacks. I have a whole new meaning of Hospital Cafeteria's. I learned rather rapidly the menus, and which days to avoid the food. Now if I were watching my weight I would of looked as gorgeous as Blake Lively on a bad day.. But I couldn't really eat meals my body just couldn't take it. So, mostly I became best friends with the vending machines and Cafeteria. I brought my books, mu manuscripts, my laptop and my ipad to keep me company. When I was crying, praying or cursing and making deals with God. Gee, I forgot that even if I were sincere and honest; chances of me following through was next to none. For almost everyday we faced new challenges. One organ would start up again and another would shut down. They pushed every antibiotic known to man and some not yet available to everyone.

The rain is now caressing the windows and the thunder snaps. The wind sounds like the moaning of lost souls as it travels past our windows. It is a wicked night ...