Thursday, April 3, 2014

Your World gets smaller

It is quiet and I am freezing as usual in his hospital room as he sleeps. The quiet reminds how alone we are now. In the beginning the shock of such an illness creates quite an interest and caring among family and friends. But hours turn into days and days into weeks and soon we are into months. People are caring and helpful in the beginning, but soon as time goes on they must return to their lives and professions. And soon the updates on his health become mundane and on need to know bases. The hour to hour struggles are only felt by my son and myself as I struggle to make it all work. To keep myself strong and positive and to not give up hope. However, the odds of this infection being only the eleventh case ever documented still sticks in my mind. Is it really possible for such a detrimental bacteria to be floating around in our air, or it has attached itself to chair at a restaurant or a piece of gym equipment. The doctors say it is .. Pretty scary to me. I mean we live in a world with outrageous resources, but here it is.  Our world have shrank in size due to this disease and I become weary of the fight. Giving up is never an option. I was raised that way. The only girl with three brothers, so I learned rather quickly the meaning of defeat. So I erased the notion or thought of giving in to something we can't see, smell or touch.. Oh God I am tired and cold. I am past hunger and the thought of more fast food weakens my thought patterns. If I could just sleep .. All of a sudden the beeping goes off I just up out of my chair and my son looks like he is just sleeping, but here comes the team with the "crash cart" and move me aside. I am frozen in time. I see them them all spring into action but I remain stoic and quiet. In my mind I and begging God to not let me lose him .. I began making bargains with him and making promises I will never keep. But at that moment I am the most sincere Mother on the planet earth. Please Lord., just more time he has a son ..