Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Daybreak ..

I am startled out of my sleep. I am spending the nights in the normal lounge chair, you know like a "Lazy Boy?" No offense to the company but I have always disliked these chairs. I swore I would never allow one in my house and here I am sleeping in possibly the favorite choice of all men, truckers, golfers, bikers; and I am guessing the "Duck Dynasty" guys! Well never say never .. Damien has made his way to the bathroom he is vomiting once again. This horrible infection changes in an instant, from calm to extreme sweating and chills. He has went from being chilly to full blown Sepsis in a matter of hours. Driving to the hospital as quick as we can and having to stop all along the way so he can throw up. He is sweating profusely and by the time we arrive at the hospital in 15-20 minutes he has a 105 temperature and is rushed in immediately for Sepic care in the ER. The only positive aspect to this horrible infection is the hospital here has gotten to know him based on their treatment of this "rare" infection.
Yes I said rare, we now know that he has contacted an extremely rare blood infection. Only ten (10) documented cases "ever" .. so the doctors have said they do not know how to treat it, for no one has ever seen it here during their years of Medical Schooling nor practice. I respect them for their honesty, however my fear is high. My son is so frail and pale in paler you can see his veins beneath his skin. My gosh he is just a young man how do such things happen? There is no knowledge of where or how he got it and now I know no one here has the experience to treat it. The doctors say these things are here with us always, but not all contact them. The only sure thing we know is that Damien's Auto-Immune was compromised at the time the infection invaded his system. He had been anemic for a while but as most grown young men he preferred to treat it on his own, like doing nothing. I have learned with two (2) boys it does no good to try an thrust your opinions and advices on them, for they will inadvertently do the opposite. 
I quietly moved toward the bathroom door. I did not want to interfere as an over anxious Mom, like he couldn't see that! I asked if I could help and he said "no mom" so I went and sat back down. I so wanted to go in and cradle him in my arms and wipe his brow. Letting go of a grown child is so hard for in your eyes they are never truly grown in our hearts. Taking the backseat when needed was the hardest thing I ever did. I finally knew there was nothing I could do until asked .. Oh Lord give me strength to do this. I guess I should back up a bit to the beginning of this nightmare.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Why do they keep hospitals so cold? I mean a person is already sick when they are admitted and yet, you run a chance of acquiring Pneumonia once here. The dark of his room is quiet and soothing to me. But as I watch him sleeping it becomes an Iron Lung  watching his chest heave up and down. But as a Mother I have to make sure he continues to breath. These last months have been treacherous; each day we never know what lies in tomorrow.  This infection that has raided and ravaged my sons body it is a sly yet quiet enemy. Sneaking into his body unknowing to us why or where it came from. He was a young and handsome man with a life. Over the last year and a half it has reduced his body to a fragile old 29 year old man. He is gaunt and fifty pounds less, the pallor of his skin is pale almost ashen in color. Each day I arrive and immediately look for movement, just to make sure he is still alive. I go home to shower and refresh myself so I can feel human once again if only for a few moments. I stand under the shower and let the warm water run over my face and just for a brief space of time; everything is alright .. Until I pick up my keys and head back to the door then reality returns .. my son is dying.