Sunday, November 24, 2013

Wake Up .. Beeping ..

Oh my gosh what is happening? I was sleeping so soundly and my son was so quiet. I bolt up in bed to the sound of voices and the pushing and rushing of machinery on wheels and carts. I am gently yet forcefully pushed aside. They surround my son's bed, I can't see anything. I am becoming agitated as I as what is going on. All they say is please step out of the room. Excuse meeee!!! I am the only person in my sons life who has remained loyal and supportive as he fights for his life. I cling onto my fatigue and anger and the why him to survive and be here for my son. How dare you say to me to step out of the room. I tell you if you want me out you will have to carry me. They are busy and let me be. His bed is put down and doctors n nurses surround him. They are scurrying for plasma red and white cells. The paddles come out and they begin to shock his heart. Oh God please not now after he has fought so hard. This disease has attacked every organ in his body. He is anemic and his auto immune system is shutting down. Oh God what did I do and who did I hurt for my son to suffer so. What can I do to gain your favor. So many thoughts, ideas, prayers raced through my mind. All the clanging of the machines and all the orders being shouted. I am here right behind you as they fight for my sons life. I am trying to be strong but inside I am screaming, promising and begging God to save him. I made more promises then I can even remember yet keep. But I was sincere of heart and I spoke them. He has lost 60 pounds, cried in pain and been so weak he could not even tell us his pain. It felt like hours as they worked but it was not I later learned it was less then thirty (30) minutes .. A doctor steps back and I could see on his face there would be no chances to apologize for past mistakes or once again speak of the many trials he had beat. He grabbed my hand and as he pulled me closer to my sons bed, he has a tube in his mouth, needles in his arms and and his skin was as pale as alabaster. Nooooo he is not gone I tell you God would not do this to him. He has been a fighter I must of sounded like a crazy lady begging for forgiveness. They all were quiet and just looked at me with the sadness of defeat. I screamed his name and leaned over his body and screamed, "Son don't leave me now. You have your son and family and friends. We are fighters ... At that moment I said, "God I have been the best Mother I knew to be. I was a good daughter and sister and even niece.. Please do not take him from us he has his whole life to see. I looked at my son and begged him to stay. We loved and needed him. As I bent over to put my heard on his chest, he took a deep breath and I was once again was pushed aside and all efforts began again. I did not mind being in the back of all the actions for he was alive. At that moment I realized God had blessed him and even me. For we were given more time to get things right. I knew from that moment no matter how hard or long the struggle I would not give up. He was stabilized and sent to ICCU ... for ten (10) days. But for now God has given us a reprieve and I was grateful for that. It now has become the moments, not minutes or seconds, just moments .. And we were going to savor them all ..

Monday, November 4, 2013

Casualties of Disease ..

As I sit here looking at my son sleeping as he struggles for every breathe. My mind goes to the rest of us. Me as a parent, my ex-daughter-in-law and of course my grandson. Not to mention all other relatives and friends. The illness begins as a shock for it is so "rare" in its intensity. As I mentioned he was the 11th ever to be acknowledged in the world of Medicine here in the states. It begins as any family support for the ill one, but as time goes by from days to months and for us years. I found myself talking to anyone and everyone who could shine some light on his case. My days were long and soon I squeezed everything normal out of my life. It was replaced with numerous phones calls to doctors, labs and different Specialists. My days ran into night .. I ran home for a shower and quick bite then back to the hospital. I learned and the different choices in vending machines and the caloric numbers on each package. I educated myself on which fast foods had the least calories and which of the wilted salads they advertise as fresh were healthiest. I grew as sick of these foods as he did the hospital foods served to him each meal. I slept in a recliner in his room and froze on the leather as the AC blew all night. It is the belief of the medicine world to keep the rooms unusually cool to avoid more bacteria growth. They are correct, however why use blankets with the density of a piece of filo dough .. I cancelled all my business and social engagements to support my son. The one day I realized months had passed. I stopped taking calls for the moments I was able to steal and go home I did not want interrupted. My door bell rang and I would remain really quiet and hide as not to be seen inside the house. I just want peace and quiet, no words, no explanations. Just "alone" time ... I slept and I read and I prayed. I felt so alone, but chose it for myself. I was tired of being the strong one, the one reassuring everyone including my struggling son all was going to be okay. Hell, I didn't know that for sure I just repeated it so many times I began to believe it as well. Then it was back to reality and the hospital... I found myself reliving those moments in time for me. So one night I realized as my son fought for his life; I too was fighting for mine ..