I was not aware that anything worse then losing my son could matter to me, until my journey began .. As the days and weeks turned into months I saw my casualties of this war begin to falter. A man I had known for years, I like to say was my soul mate just couldn't take the time and distant apart. Suddenly I felt alone and so very sad; and yet I could not cry. I had to remain in control for my son. He could not see or hear me tire or lose hope. I actually got really good at hiding my emotions. It took me months to adjust to be alone in my trek. My son's infection was so rare that not only did the doctors not know how to treat it. I as his mother did not know what to expect. From one breath to another I would watch his chest just making sure it was moving. He was hooked up to so many monitors; and yet I had to see his chest heaving to and fro. It was as if I didn't trust those mechanical brains to protect my son.
A year passed as this debilitating infections raged on. I only let my feelings of despair show behind closed doors. I grew tired and my faith began to wan. I kept thinking of my Bible, but as the months slowly ebb on I picked it up less frequently. When I did open it looking for some words of encouragement and wisdom, I just stared at the passages but my brain was frozen and all I could do was stare. It was like I had traveled to another place without even realizing I had gone .. I had spent a whole year under cover investigating people meeting on the Internet. I mean who in the heck would ever do such a thing, I mean must be desperate people, right? I was so angry and burned out after that year and so very disillusioned by the things I saw and found out about people on the net. Hell, there was no way I would ever not only meet, but spend time with anyone on the net. That was for loser I thought. Or people with no lives, possibly sick, or unattractive or maybe just lonely and forgotten by their friends or family.. Gee, how sad I thought as I rolled my eyes. Like I needed to make my life any worse.
Then one day I received a friend request. Life took a surprising turn ...
Sunday, March 23, 2014
As I listen to my son's monitors regulating all his breathing and pressures. I close my eyes as I drift into a place of calm and comfort, if only for a few moments. I have pushed down my feelings and fears for so long. I am not sure if I feel anything anymore. I appreciate those whom support me during this time in our lives, however the ones I relinquish my love and power to seem to use and disappoint me and my trust; why is that? I am cool to touch and the small thin blanket the hospital gave me barely keeps the warmth of my body under it's frail thickness. Oh God, I am faltering a bit and I am scared and yet I do not show such weakness to my son or others. If I slack off my son will become fearful. I need to remain in control and fearless for him. I put aside my life as I know it; and my social circle to just the bare essentials of existence. I grow weary and pray for answers and yet they do not come yet. Oh what I would give for a Spa day ... But I feel that is a sign of weakness and it opens the door for fear. Oh if only my head would quiet down and take all these visions away ..