In the Dark of Night

As I listen to my son's monitors regulating all his breathing and pressures. I close my eyes as I drift into a place of calm and comfort, if only for a few moments. I have pushed down my feelings and fears for so long. I am not sure if I feel anything anymore. I appreciate those whom support me during this time in our lives, however the ones I relinquish my love and power to seem to use and disappoint me and my trust; why is that? I am cool to touch and the small thin blanket the hospital gave me barely keeps the warmth of my body under it's frail thickness. Oh God, I am faltering a bit and I am scared and yet I do not show such weakness to my son or others. If I slack off my son will become fearful. I need to remain in control and fearless for him. I put aside my life as I know it; and my social circle to just the bare essentials of existence. I grow weary and pray for answers and yet they do not come yet. Oh what I would give for a Spa day ... But I feel that is a sign of weakness and it opens the door for fear. Oh if only my head would quiet down and take all these visions away ..