Exhaustion fantasies ...

He softly runs his fingers down my back. My skins quivers to his touch. As he lays his cheek closer to mine he gently pulls my hair aside as not to wake me. I can smell his scent, my heart quickens it's beats ... He continues to embrace my skin with his lips as he moves from my face to my shoulders and to my back as his digits fondle their way down my spine. His touch enchants and excites me.Where am I, and who is this? The man I loved is no longer with me. But it feels like his touch ... I am trying to wake up, but i can't. My eye lids feel heavy and I keep straining to open, but they will not. What is happening I am asleep, or am I ... My son; where is my son? How did I get here and why can't I wake up. Oh Lord, this should not be happening, but it feels so enticing. I am a horrible Mother to be with this man instead of at the hospital. My son is fighting for his life and I am here with this man and under his spell. I have no stress and I can sense a feeling of excitement and tenderness. I want to see him, but I can't wake up. I want to touch him and feel his lips on mine. How can I think this way, I don't even know who he is. His lips caress my shoulder again and slowly travel to my neck. The excitement has made it's way to my stomach. I have to wake up! How can I feel so wonderful when I am being invaded by a stranger. What is wrong with me ... I roll over to meet his lips they meet and are moist and warm to the touch. I can't breath he has taken my breathe away. I gasp for air ... I am getting scared now for I am enjoying this encounter with a stranger. I am in an amazing place and I feel no pain,  fear or sadness. His arms encompass me; I am at peace ...

Subliminal thoughts ...

Why am I thinking of ways to pass my time as my son struggles to live..Does that make me a bad Mom? I have forgotten what it's like to make my hair appointment, get my nails done or a massage ... All of the sudden those impending needs are no longer important. My head hurts from not enough sleep or not being able to completely let go and have a restful night. The sounds of all the machines and my sons breathing take the place of a melodic tune in the background of my mind. The rain streams against the window being pushed by the wind. I am feeling calm as I begin to drift into a heavy, but sudden sleep...Boom! My heart skips a beat as branches from the trees outside his window are blown against the glass.. leaving a creepy eerie feeling ... Has the Angel of Death arrived, oh Lord please no ...I raise my head and look at my son; I am reminded he is a young man and not the beautiful baby of my womb. But it is his time to live and not suffer. Silent killers arrive and strike like a knife ... No warning and no promise of departure ... I am so tired and my mind begins to shut down .. I want to stay awake as my body becomes lax and slips into the night ...

Soulful Storms ...

There is something tranquil an insightful about storms. The rain drops being pushed onto the window panes of glass, with a whimsical tone. I close my eyes and begin to recall all the things and people whom have come my way during this time of time of trials and retributions. Life is a curious venue that takes us on many journeys in life. I long for human touch and a warm hug from caring arms. I have given up my real life in exchange for being here as my son fights for his only life. I have become a creature of social media to entertain myself and keep my mind from going crazy.

I had just finished researching Internet dating, and boy that can give you nightmares..haha..But I soon found myself perusing the net. I learned how to prolong aging, and did you know a woman still climaxes after 60?  Wow, now I look forward to that ... lol ... I have hope! I read everything everyone posted on Facebook, Twitter and dating sites. I watched CNN and Fox News ... gee I learned much more about Politics. But once I had spent hours of absorbing so much intellectual information I became bored. Until one night I was on a dating site and my page "pinged". Someone was trying to get my attention. So of course I had to check it out ... OMG! He was gorgeous and from Paris as in France...Oh Ms. Libido calm down it is the internet remember. So ... 

Craaaackkk! Lightning hit and I was jolted awake..the windows rattled and my heart was racing and skipping beats before I could bring myself into reality. I turned to my son as he lay sleeping. Tubes coming from most of his orifice's as he gasped for every breath ..His struggle has lasted so long and has created so much deterioration to his young body. I turn back to the large window in his private room. His immune system is so frail that any tiny germ could take his life. During this journey life has changed so much. 

I have abandoned my own life and yet it was a very normal thing to do, after all he was my son. Many people came and went as we fought to overtake this bacteria. It became my life. I wasn't able to work anymore on my own career and life. I gave up dating and going out with my friends. I refused all social invitations. The wondrous foods and exercise in my life went by the wayside as I became a connoisseur of the Metal Chef of quickie snacks. I have a whole new meaning of Hospital Cafeteria's. I learned rather rapidly the menus, and which days to avoid the food. Now if I were watching my weight I would of looked as gorgeous as Blake Lively on a bad day.. But I couldn't really eat meals my body just couldn't take it. So, mostly I became best friends with the vending machines and Cafeteria. I brought my books, mu manuscripts, my laptop and my ipad to keep me company. When I was crying, praying or cursing and making deals with God. Gee, I forgot that even if I were sincere and honest; chances of me following through was next to none. For almost everyday we faced new challenges. One organ would start up again and another would shut down. They pushed every antibiotic known to man and some not yet available to everyone.

The rain is now caressing the windows and the thunder snaps. The wind sounds like the moaning of lost souls as it travels past our windows. It is a wicked night ...

Your World gets smaller

It is quiet and I am freezing as usual in his hospital room as he sleeps. The quiet reminds how alone we are now. In the beginning the shock of such an illness creates quite an interest and caring among family and friends. But hours turn into days and days into weeks and soon we are into months. People are caring and helpful in the beginning, but soon as time goes on they must return to their lives and professions. And soon the updates on his health become mundane and on need to know bases. The hour to hour struggles are only felt by my son and myself as I struggle to make it all work. To keep myself strong and positive and to not give up hope. However, the odds of this infection being only the eleventh case ever documented still sticks in my mind. Is it really possible for such a detrimental bacteria to be floating around in our air, or it has attached itself to chair at a restaurant or a piece of gym equipment. The doctors say it is .. Pretty scary to me. I mean we live in a world with outrageous resources, but here it is.  Our world have shrank in size due to this disease and I become weary of the fight. Giving up is never an option. I was raised that way. The only girl with three brothers, so I learned rather quickly the meaning of defeat. So I erased the notion or thought of giving in to something we can't see, smell or touch.. Oh God I am tired and cold. I am past hunger and the thought of more fast food weakens my thought patterns. If I could just sleep .. All of a sudden the beeping goes off I just up out of my chair and my son looks like he is just sleeping, but here comes the team with the "crash cart" and move me aside. I am frozen in time. I see them them all spring into action but I remain stoic and quiet. In my mind I and begging God to not let me lose him .. I began making bargains with him and making promises I will never keep. But at that moment I am the most sincere Mother on the planet earth. Please Lord., just more time he has a son ..

Loss along the way

I was not aware that anything worse then losing my son could matter to me, until my journey began .. As the days and weeks turned into months I saw my casualties of this war begin to falter. A man I had known for years, I like to say was my soul mate just couldn't take the time and distant apart. Suddenly I felt alone and so very sad; and yet I could not cry. I had to remain in control for my son. He could not see or hear me tire or lose hope. I actually got really good at hiding my emotions. It took me months to adjust to be alone in my trek. My son's infection was so rare that not only did the doctors not know how to treat it. I as his mother did not know what to expect. From one breath to another I would watch his chest just making sure it was moving. He was hooked up to so many monitors; and yet I had to see his chest heaving to and fro. It was as if I didn't trust those mechanical brains to protect my son. 

 A year passed as this debilitating infections raged on. I only let my feelings of despair show behind closed doors. I grew tired and my faith began to wan. I kept thinking of my Bible, but as the months slowly ebb on I picked it up less frequently. When I did open it looking for some words of encouragement and wisdom, I just stared at the passages but my brain was frozen and all I could do was stare. It was like I had traveled to another place without even realizing I had gone .. I had spent a whole year under cover investigating people meeting on the Internet. I mean who in the heck would ever do such a thing, I mean must be desperate people, right? I was so angry and burned out after that year and so very disillusioned by the things I saw and found out about people on the net. Hell, there was no way I would ever not only meet, but spend time with anyone on the net. That was for loser I thought. Or people with no lives, possibly sick, or unattractive or maybe just lonely and forgotten by their friends or family.. Gee, how sad I thought as I rolled my eyes. Like I needed to make my life any worse.

Then one day I received a friend request. Life took a surprising turn ...   

In the Dark of Night

As I listen to my son's monitors regulating all his breathing and pressures. I close my eyes as I drift into a place of calm and comfort, if only for a few moments. I have pushed down my feelings and fears for so long. I am not sure if I feel anything anymore. I appreciate those whom support me during this time in our lives, however the ones I relinquish my love and power to seem to use and disappoint me and my trust; why is that? I am cool to touch and the small thin blanket the hospital gave me barely keeps the warmth of my body under it's frail thickness. Oh God, I am faltering a bit and I am scared and yet I do not show such weakness to my son or others. If I slack off my son will become fearful. I need to remain in control and fearless for him. I put aside my life as I know it; and my social circle to just the bare essentials of existence. I grow weary and pray for answers and yet they do not come yet. Oh what I would give for a Spa day ... But I feel that is a sign of weakness and it opens the door for fear. Oh if only my head would quiet down and take all these visions away ..

Yet another heart surgery

As if life was not tough enough, this unmerciful infection invades his heart once again. My Lord can't you give him a reprieve long enough to heal.... Can I even remember normalcy in my life .. I have watched my young son waste away to a bare essentials of a young man, sixty pounds later. He was once a muscle bound Football player with the heart of a Lion and now I see glimpses of that once fierce leader. He has been over taken by this rare blood infection and it has compromised his whole body and our lives. I have to argue with him to to take a bite of food, he says, "I have no desire mom" .. my son who thrives on red meat and potato's? Could it have drained him oh his need for survival...Oh my God please no I just couldn't take anymore. I feel as of I have aged a million years, being thrown into the world of fast foods, sleep deprivation caused from sleeping in chairs and cold hospital rooms. This is a smart yet evil infection this time when it attacked his heart it came back as another infection, not even the same one...It now masks itself into another organism. Because of it's rarity they already do not know how to fight it they just hit it with every antibiotic they have and the doctors research on the Internet. How do you kill an enemy you can't see...