Awake ...

I open my eyes, but no water or beach, I am my recliner in my son's hospital room. Oh gee it was a dream, just a dream ... I look over at him sleeping I watch his breathing as his chest heaves up and down filling in every single lung sac with air. I think of how easy it is to just breathe then I see the huge scar in the middle of his chest. It reminds me of a map of his struggles this past two-in-a-half years. It begins at the top of his life and descends just a short distance down and stops .. yes stops. Life for him had stopped as being stuck in a storm and no visual of his next steps .. no directions. As I look at him sleeping he is hooked up to so many machines and five bags of IV Antibiotics dripping into his Portia-catheter all piggy backed together. The doctors know no way to stop this raging evil, let alone cure it. His face is chiseled and clean as porcelain, with exceptions of his beard beginning to peek out from under his thin layer of facial skin. His eyes are closed as sleeping peacefully hiding his brown eyes being and keeping me from seeing the glints of gold in his iris that makes them sparkle. He always had the most contagious smile and then that glint shines through oh look out ladies he takes no prisoners .. haha .. but the reality now is the glint is gone; and all I see when he is awake is struggle and pain. This infection had invaded his body, his heart, lungs, kidneys, lungs, livers, pancreas and gallbladder. It has left abbesses in both of his lungs and his left shoulder. My God father where did this come from and why is it so rare? Someone please tell me, give me some hope. I see this disease drain the life out of him hour by hour. He has received three bags of red blood cells and two of white cells last night. It has invaded his auto-immune system. When the doctor arrives he greets us by saying, "You know I didn't think I'd see you today". I said so when you left last night he was dying and you never took a moment to tell him or I this fact? I could feel my body heating up. I looked at him and said, "You let a man go to sleep not knowing he may not wake up..Maybe he wanted to tell his son he loves him or make amends for things he has done in his past?." I was livid ... it took every ounce of lady like manners to hold back. I wanted to let go and blast this idiot!! How insensitive and pompous this ass is. I said I truly hope you never have to hear this regarding a child of yours. During such times a person should never omits such decisions for an-others life. Beings you were the Admitting Physician and not his family doctor may I suggest you take your unorthodox self out of here before I let you feel a "bitch-slap" that only an angry mother can deliver.. Oh and doc close the door behind you okay ... !@#$%^&^%$#@#$%^&* .. My son sleepily opened his eyes and said, "Mom who was that?" oh no one son, wrong room ...